The words won’t come.

Hey strangers, how have you been?

If you hadn’t guessed by the lack of posts, I’ve been pretty busy. So busy I even forgot to post about being off the meds for 3 (Now 4) months! (Oh and my 2 year word press anniversary!)

It’s not all been plain sailing of course, it’s life! I’ve been having a great time mostly. My friends and family are still very much my world and I’ve been off on a few adventures here and there, which has kept me entertained. Life is strange though. Far to many ups and downs and sometimes it’s hard to handle. Still no huge future plans, taking things day by day, but I have booked a holiday in a few weeks with my two bestfriends and I cannot wait! Greece here we come!

The title of this post says quite alot. I’ve tried writing several times now but the words won’t come. I’ve wrote for myself, private things I won’t be sharing because they really are too much to share. Putting into words all the emotions, highs and lows and what I’ve been up to has become very difficult. Especially as I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m okay even though friends and family have made it clear they can see that isn’t so from time to time.

I am okay, but with the weather changing and the dark nights rolling in I’ve felt a little lost, scared and lonely. It’s a horrible feeling but being me, (chatty and honest), I’ve stumbled across several people who understand how I feel. It’s always nice to know you’re not insane and others feel the same way you do.

I’ve been having a great time, off out meeting new people, going to gigs, partying with my friends, reading and of course out and about in the car but over the last 2 week’s I’ve struggled a little more than usual. From what I can gather it appears to be a sort of pattern. Since coming off the meds, towards the end of the month I’ve suffered with some pretty horrendous low episodes. I can’t be sure that this is the link or confirm if it’s physiological however I am beginning to think it is.

So, one minute I’m happy and carefree. Everything makes sense, life is good and I’m doing everything I want to, or that I possibly can and then BOOM. What feels as if it’s completely out of the blue comes this dark and haunting frame of mind that convinces me life is not good, that nothing is okay and that the only thing I can do is sleep and cry. It feels as if I’ve been kicked in the gut. My throat goes dry, my chest feels heavy and I panic because it feels like I can’t breathe. The tears well up in my eyes and the ache in my chest can be unbearable.

Now this is not a new feeling, most people who suffer will know exactly what I mean. It isn’t the end of the world and it certainly isn’t the end of me. However, the main reason I am choosing to share this is because I have discovered what the medication did for me.

It’s taken me a while to see or spot any sort of difference as I mostly feel the same as I always have. Life is full of ups and downs and meds or no meds I knew this would be the case, but, the sertraline gave me this sort of motivation to get myself out of the ‘dark’.

This isn’t pretty but the best way to explain this is by going back a few months. Back to when I would drive around in my car for hours trying to clear my mind and find an escape.

When I was on the medication a very brief and passing thought would cross my mind about crashing my car. It was a fleeting thought and one I would never act on – this is important for you to know! So on the meds I’d think of all the reasons to carry on, and not crash, within seconds, milliseconds even. Without the meds it takes me a while longer. Sometimes it can be half hour but I have carried this feeling with me for a couple of days at a time since coming off the sertraline. Timescale wise, this is a huge difference. It lessens each time, which to me is a way to measure the healing but that doesn’t make it any less terrifying.

For me, I’d never ever really do a thing like that because I do have so much to live for. Even on the shittiest of days I have my mum, dad, brother and sister. I have my friends, my senses, music and I’m young so I have time. Time that I won’t give up for anything. I just want to make this very clear, I am not going to harm myself. I’m sharing this so that you know the difference the medication has made for me.

Whilst the meds are not a miracle cure it’s clear to me that they did have a positive effect and kept me going at my lowest. Some people are so against them but I am telling you now, I don’t know if I would be here without them, so don’t be so quick to judge. They don’t work overnight, it can take months before anything changes and even then it’s not a noticeable change. They don’t work unless you do. They won’t relinquish all your fears and hurt but they can help spark that motivation and dull the ache.

I’m still going to continue without them for the time being. Despite the slower recovery it makes me feel that little bit stronger each time. My anxiety is worse than when I was on the tablets too, but this is something I am working on and want to find new ways to control.

My advice to anyone who wants to come off medication would be to do it slowly, as your doctor recommends and to make sure you are surrounded by people that lift you up. Get extra support, make sure you start doing things that make you happy and as hard as it is let go of anyone who doesn’t help.

Life is strange but I’m telling you now, you’ve got this.


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