Be prepared for many images of quotes.
It is ridiculously hard to write about the lows when you feel okay. If you don’t make notes or write short paragraphs during the hard periods you can’t really recall exactly how bad you felt. It’s almost as if when you feel okay your mind squashes these thoughts into some deep dark box in the very depths of your mind. This is why I tend to write more when I feel shit. It’s one way of keeping note of my mood and how I felt in that moment. When I’m happy I take photographs as opposed to using words. I guess this somewhat makes sense.
It’s important for me to remember so I can remind myself that I’ve got through it before.
I’ve started writing letters. Capturing exactly how I feel in the moment. Of course I can’t always write immediately, if I’m at work or driving I often process the letters in my mind and try to pen them later. It doesn’t always work but it’s the best outlet I have. I won’t be sharing the letters. They are far to personal and I often write things I regret thinking or hate feeling. Also, the language I sometimes use is appalling and I wouldn’t want to offend anyone. I express alot more than most people do in my blog posts, but I’ve learnt that everyone needs a space that is theirs only.
I don’t have my own room, or house or anywhere – other than my car. So my notebooks are my space. I often feel they are all I have in terms of objects and space that is mine only.
I’m struggling again at the moment. Life feels pretty pointless. After the heartbreak comes the reality that everything you were working towards changes. In my situation nothing I was aiming for has remained. I lost myself. I lost site of my own hopes and dreams and now I am trapped in some sort of hopeless limbo.
Of course, I know I won’t feel this way everyday. Some days I can see how amazing the world is now and how I have more opportunities than I could have hoped for. Today however, is not one of those days.
It’s okay. Two words I often find myself saying when actually it’s not okay. I am not okay with how I am feeling today. One piece of advice I was given was to just accept the bad days. To tell yourself it’s okay to feel the way I do. Today I very much disagree with that advice.
I am frustrated. I am angry and I am restless. My heart aches, this limbo is like a prison cell and I’m biting back tears. It’s not okay.
I believe that it’s okay to not be okay. I finally understand that phrase and I completely agree with the statement. It’s what I do next that counts. Weighing up the pros and cons of every situation and asking myself if whatever I am considering is what is really best for me, that is what I am learning to do. It’s hard as I often act on impulse. Anyone who truly knows me will agree.
So what do I do from here?
I’d be lying if I said I knew. I have no idea. I know I need to figure out what it is that I want. Once I have some direction I’ll smash every obstacle put infront of me.
I know that I’m not alone in feeling helpless. So what are you doing? How do we get out of this mess?