Insecurities aside, I’m happy with who I am right now and the progress I’m making in becoming the person I want to be. I’ve learnt to shake off my anger and hold back the mean words I want to shout and scream. I’ve realised not everything goes to plan and I’m okay with that. I’m learning to be okay with not knowing where my life is headed.
A few months ago I was uptight, everything had to be planned and I felt the need to know exactly where I was going in life. If plans were cancelled I’d stress myself out so badly I’d get a migraine. If something changed I’d end up throwing up because of the stress. I spent nights and days (come to think of it) crying and feeling sorry for myself. Now I look back in shock at how I used to handle things.
I’m a work in progress of course, just like all of you. I still have bad days here and there, Just like everyone else, we are only human after all, but I’m proud of how far I’ve come.
I always try my best to be a good and honest person. This can be mistaken for me being a bitch on occasion and even I will admit some things I say can be a little too abrupt. I can hold my tongue if I really feel that what I have to say is out of anger or just spite.. If I choose too.
My friends are my family. I always try to do what is right by the people I love. Yes, I tell them how it is but only because I care. I get very defensive when it comes to the people I care about. I will never lie to them just to keep them happy but if I hurt them or feel as if I’ve let them down it effects me massively.
I love fiercely and wear my heart on my sleeve. Once you have it I’ll do all I can to make things work as long as I think it’s worth the risk. I know when to walk away, I won’t fight for you if you won’t fight for me.
I cling on to people I probably shouldn’t cling to. I can’t help it, once I feel something for someone or care for someone it’s very hard for me to let things go. I think this is because I imagine scenarios as if they were part of a fairytale. Waiting for the grand gesture or the simple suprises, forever disappointed when I realise its a fantasy.
I’m lazy. Like SUPER lazy. As you know I suffer with anxiety too, however every now and again I have to stop and ask myself if I’m avoiding doing something because of my anxiety or simply just because I’m a lazy girl. My other problem is I’m a bone idle girl with a crazy active imagination. I lie on the sofa planning all of these things I want to do but then I’m to chilled to go and do them. It’s an endless circle because then I’m disappointed with myself for wasting time thinking rather than doing!
A prime example of this is when I get into bed at night and start thinking about all the things I want to write down, but I’m tired and in bed so instead I forget, wake up and spend the rest of the day trying to piece all the words back together!
This is just a bit of insight into my lazy, over-imaginative mind.
The grass is greener under me because I’ve stopped comparing my grass to others and started spending my time watering and caring for my own grass instead.