DECEMBER 11TH 2017
I’m sat in-front of the fire going over the last few weeks in my mind and I just feel a mess. It’s been a mixture of highs and lows, lost and found control, days spent in bed and days out meeting new friends. It’s certainly been a mixture of good and bad times.
I’ve been making notes and keeping track of what I’ve been up to with a 3 year, one line a day journal that I picked up. I’ve been avoiding writing down any negative thoughts or comments so that when I’m feeling a little down I can read back over all the good things that I’ve been doing and focus on the positive.
The only consistency in my life is the support from the people I’m surrounded by. My support network has only grown, I’ve met some amazing new friends and I am so grateful to have them in my life. So thank you to you all!
I’ve realised I need to create some routine in my day to day life. I’ve been signed off work since September and I have never not worked before. As much as we all complain about work it does give us a reason to get out of bed in the morning, it provides stability and consistency. My frame of mind is not stable enough to handle the day to day responsibilities or the stress of work. The situation is a little complicated but I’m not going to share due to personal reasons. My plan is to start getting out of bed at the same time everyday, try introducing proper meals and not just eating crap when I feel like it and to start doing a blog post or writing for an hour or so a day. I’m hoping this will help me get back into the swing of things.
Here’s a few mistakes I’ve made:
- Not getting up and getting dressed – I had one great pyjama day, I spent the day watching films, had a lovely relaxing day and I felt good. Problem is this must have been a one off because I’ve done it since and it’s resulted in tears, stress and overthinking.
- Reading into texts far too much – This is a stupid one but I know that everyone is guilty of it. I’ll read a text 3 times trying to read ‘between the lines’ invent some crazy scenario and get myself worked up. The best advice I’ve been given is to read the message out loud or to avoid texts and make phone calls instead.
- Not speaking up when I’ve needed the extra help – I’m an open book, I’m not afraid to say how I feel or ask for help but of course, I’m only human and from time to time I sit and worry and get myself in a state which could have been avoided if I’d just called a friend and talked things through.
- Thinking and not acting on my thoughts – I spend far too much time thinking of all the things I want to say and do and not enough time actually doing it. Exercise is a great example of this.
JANUARY 7TH 2018
Today someone asked if I was okay, how I’m doing and what I’ve been up too. The answer was easy! Yes, I’m okay, I’m doing great and I’ve spent my time with friends and family, planning trips and meeting new people. Then I stopped just for a moment and reaslied how great I’ve been feeling and how true my answer was. Then I began to think a little and ask myself why.
I know the majority of you will tell me not to question my happiness and to just embrace it but here’s the thing, if I don’t stop and think about it I might miss something important that I’m doing in order which makes me feel so good. I need to ask the question and find out why.
I’m unemployed after the redundancy, living alone (for now), I have no structure or routine. Yet I’m missing my old life less and less, the heartache is slowly fading and I’m mentally more in control than I have been for a long time. I’ve got absolutely no idea what I’m doing but I feel okay.
JANUARY 21ST 2018
I wrote both of the above and saved the drafts but didn’t have the motivation to complete them. I feel it’s important to share them now so you can see where my mind has been and the thoughts I’ve been having.
Today is a better day but the last 2 days have not been so great. I cried myself to sleep, I felt as if my entire world was collapsing again like I had nothing to live for. The good news is it only lasted two days.
There are three main reasons I end up getting in a mess, 1) Money, 2) Heartache and 3) I don’t have a life goal. I’ve always has something to aim towards and now I’m so lost it’s impossible for me to know where to begin. A few things have changed since the last two drafts, I want a full time job and I am more than ready to start somewhere, I realised I can go 3 weeks without having a bad day and that the support isn’t going anywhere.
I’m tired today and don’t feel like writing much more but I’ll be back soon with a few posts about my trip to Germany, visiting Oxford and my girls ❤ I hope you have had a lovely weekend 🙂