I think it’s normal for a person to feel a little unhinged at times. Expressing so much emotion all at once can be overwhelming to say the least. I’ve never been so hurt, upset, relieved, lost, confused, torn and loved all at the same time. Over the last few days I’ve cried, laughed, yelled, screamed, smiled, shopped, spent time to myself and tried to piece what I can together.
I won’t lie to you, today is not a good day. I desperately wanted it to be one of the strong days, a day I could do simple things like pick up the phone and call the doctors, or nip to the bank to sort out a few bits, but it just wasn’t. I’m holding onto the hope that tomorrow will be more desirable.
I’ve started thinking about what it is I want to do, is there something I feel I’ve missed out on over the last few years or something I couldn’t afford to do before but can now that I’m home?
My to do list – (So far!)
- Go to a festival, I’ve always said I never would, but now I’ve changed my mind.
- Skydive (again) This was by far the best thing I’ve ever done and I will do it again, and again and again.
- Girls Weekend! – Yes, I want to party with my pals!
- See England, visit a new village, city or town once a month perhaps.
- Finally get the thigh tattoo I drew when I was 17.
- Lose 3 stone, not for anyone else but for me.
- Start hiking or being move adventurous outside of the car!
- Start an adventure fund!
- Get debt free.
- Visit Cologne.
- Visit Holland.
- Go on a sunny holiday.
- Plan more trips.
This list might change, it will certainly be added too, but for now these are the ideas I am toying with. I need something to keep my mind occupied!
I’ve started a mind numbingly boring to do list too, change the address on my driving licence, sort out council tax, get car fixed, those type of things. My aim is to try and tick off one box a day for now. Tomorrow I am going to call the doctors and get myself referred for either CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) or some form of counselling. It’s not for everyone and it’s not something I’ve tried for a long time but perhaps spilling my guts to a stranger will be enlightening. Only one way to find out!
I’m lost, totally freakin’ lost! I’m trying my best to find who I am and what I want and I know that will take time but I’m impatient too. I feel cold today, confused like i’m not really certain of anything but I’m not upset so that’s a good start. I think the meds are starting to take effect, yesterday was the most stable my mind had been for a long time and I realised that you can be more in love with ‘the story’ or the idea or something than you can be a person or even a home.