Face it.

Wednesday, 27th September

8.00am – Mornings are the worst. I can’t sleep in. I wake up feeling sick, within an hour of being awake I am sick. It’s becoming routine, wake up, drink water, throw up water. I have the shakes all morning, I feel horrid all the time and I have no idea how to help myself.

10.00am – I’m over the first hurdle, (I think). I’ve dropped from 13st 4lbs to 12st 6lbs over the last few days. I would like to feel hungry. I’m not able to eat yet, I want too but I can’t yet. Maybe later.

I’m not comfortable in my own skin and a small part of me is excited to see the weight fall off. BUT, I don’t want to be ill. As soon as I physically can I will be taking back control of my body. I’m going to lose weight yes, but i’m going to do it the right way. A healthy diet, exercise and I’m still going to enjoy myself. Right now my body is weak, throwing up everyday is exhausting but I’ve made a promise to myself that I will build back my strength and do my best to eat.

I got up, got dressed up in the new clothes I’d brought on Sunday, they are a little too big now. Mum helped me sort out my hair and I plastered on my makeup and even applied my signature red lip. I put on my new boots, fresh tights and set out to face the world with my mum by my side.

11.00am – I just want to sleep. I feel drained. My eyes must be droopy. If I sleep during the day I’m scared I’ll be awake and on my own all night. I too afraid to nap in case I sleep too long and wake up feeling how I do every morning. Just breathe, I’m staying calm.

12.30pm –  I’m on my way to the office. I’m determined not to be sick or to over think the situation. My mum has been with me every step of the way since Monday evening. I’m never left alone, they won’t allow it. God I love my mum.

5.00pm – I did it. I faced the office. I cried and got makeup all over my managers top. The entire team were in the office and they all gave me a hug and let me know I didn’t have to face anything on my own. They were here for me whether I was in the office or not. It’s amazing how calm I felt surrounded by such wonderful people. Each with their own incredible story.

I know i’m not ready to return to work just yet. I need to be able to drive my car and not be so ill in the mornings. I’m so proud of myself for taking that first step.

12.46am – I’m sat in my car listening to a few songs which are helping me pull through.

Advice – Kehlani, Gonna get over you – Sara Barielles, If I stray – Frank Turner and Road less travelled – Lauren Alaina.

I’m so tired, I’ve exhausted myself driving around in circles for hours over thinking everything. Where is he? What’s he doing? Who is he with? Why did he leave? Whats wrong with me? What did I do so wrong? 

I’ve tortured myself far too much today. It was a weak moment, but that’s okay.

This moment made me realise that I need some answers to put my mind at ease, I need to know why he called it quits? Will he move on straight away?

I did have a few thoughts on our home too. I decided I don’t want to deal with the thought of ‘our’ friends in my home with him having a good time, enjoying what used to be my sofas, sleeping in what was my room. I lost my home and I’m not okay with that. Even the idea of someone else living there with him kills me.

1.36am – I’m sleeping in my brothers room tonight as he’s away. It’s the first night i’ll have spent on my own since Thursday. I feel calmer than I did before and I know I can’t carry on torturing myself this way.

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Today – My blog posts are clearly a day behind, but for all my friends and family I want to let you know today has been a better day. I’ve finally managed to keep some food down, not a lot but it’s a start. My head feels clearer than it has in days and I love you all for your help and support.

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2 thoughts on “Face it.

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