If you don’t want to know what I’ve been going through and how I’ve been feeling then don’t read this.
I know people have said they don’t like to see negative posts or hear about the horrible parts of others lives but I know that if I were to read this post I would feel a little better. I want to know that I’m not the only person to feel as I feel. I want to know how others have dealt with similar situations and for them to be able to share with us their story.
I want to start off by thanking all of my friends and family. I genuinely cannot express how much love and gratitude I have for you all. I can’t do this alone and knowing you are there means I shine a little brighter.
I’ve got so much support from all those around me that I feel comfortable sharing my stories with the world. I plan to use this blog to share my weakest and strongest moments. I am going to transform myself and my aim is to share every part with you as I go.
Just know that writing this is not easy for me. Everything is very new. Some may think its too soon but I’m doing this for me. I’m doing it my way.
My blog is no longer about the few fun and creative moments that I wish to share. Thelastpaige is now my journey. Just not as I dreamt it to be. It is in no way a place to trash talk or make anyone angry but I have to express myself and this is how I am choosing to do so.
These last few weeks have been hell for me. I’ve been signed off sick, given new medication to take alongside a higher dose of the current anti-depressent that I take, I’ve cried more than I ever have before, puked nearly every day, I can’t drive my car, I can’t eat and everything I do seems pointless. I didn’t think it could get any worse. Then Friday came around.
So welcome to the first page of my battle with heartbreak and depression.
My heart has just been ripped from my chest.
I can’t explain the feeling.
You know when a magician does that trick? The one where he rips the table cloth from under all the plates and cups. That’s how I feel about my life right now.
I keep telling myself it will be okay but I’ve just lost my home, my sofas, my bed and most importantly the person I love the most left me.
I wrote the above on Friday, then I got dressed up, went out, got completely trashed, puked in my mates handbag in the taxi, smashed a few photos, pulled over a cabinet onto my best friend, collapsed on the kitchen floor and puked my guts up. I scared my friends so bad my mum had to come and sort me out until gone 3am when I finally fell asleep.
I was reckless and out to hurt myself but that night I hurt my friends and family too. That was enough to show me that drink was and is not the way to go.
I’m angry at you.
Why the hell do you get to decide to leave me. I loved you more than I thought humanly possible and what have you done to me, broke my heart.
Its funny because even though all of this has happened I just want to come home to the flat and snuggle up to you in bed. Its killing me. I don’t want to do this. I hate you for forcing this on me. I’m angry at you for not even trying.
I wrote this Saturday night, there were many more words but I cannot share them as they could hurt people. Sometimes things said in anger can leave a long lasting scar and I don’t wish for that. Its Tuesday now as I write this and the situation is still red raw. I’m still angry, hurt, scared and confused. I’ve threw up every day, the most I’ve ate and managed to keep down is a biscuit so far. My body feels weak and my mind is crazy busy.
I’m writing this during a strong moment. For anyone who doesn’t understand depression or anxiety, its not your fault and I hope you never do. Heartache however you may be able to recall. Mix the two together and you have me.
So here I am, a crazy mixed up 23 year old who has no idea who she is or what she wants out of life.
I’m taking it hour by hour right now and I’m one of the lucky ones. I have such great support, lots of love from friends and family, I have a roof over my head and for now a job. I am determined to better myself.
Its safe to say there is plenty more to come from me over the next few weeks. Not every word will be positive but it will lead me to the best path.
My life is about to begin.