Since I crawled out of bed this morning I have been fighting. My throat feels like it’s on fire and it aches so bad that I want to cry. I can’t cry because 1) I’m an ugly crier and 2) It might choke me and then this fight turns into flight.
Flight is usually my preferred option because then it’s kind of over and done with easy. I let it take over me, eventually calm down and then sleep it off. Fighting it is so much harder. I actually can’t believe I have lasted the day. The burn eased at points and it became easier but now it’s back, worse than before. I can only describe it as a feeling of being strangled.
It’s so strange. I haven’t been this way for so long and I have no idea what has triggered it. Looking back at my blog posts, I know ‘the panic‘ started again around the 5th July. I’ve already blogged about feeling deflated but I held back. Today I don’t want too. I can’t talk about it, so I’ll write about.
I’m so angry and upset I just want to scream and cry and tug at my hair. I want to make myself sick, smudge my mascara down my face and scratch at my arms. Instead I sit at my desk and (try to) smile, I engage in conversation when I can and internet window shop to keep my mind busy.
Today we discussed what to do for the New Year. At first we thought about going to Germany, then decided perhaps somewhere sunny, then changed our minds again to a cabin or cottage somewhere in England or Wales. This overwhelmed me. I just wanted to cry. It should be something you get excited about not something which makes you want to curl up in a ball and scream.
Another thing that happened today, Dea is going out or to spend time with the lads on Friday. This made me go into overdrive panic mode. First thought, it’s okay, I’ll get drunk. I text my two best mates and it turns out they are both away this weekend. I have my Mum and Georgia but when I feel this way I genuinely just feel like getting so drunk the world starts spinning so fast that I “fall off”. That’s not something you do with your mum or 12 year old sister. I also know that it is a terrible idea, in fact it’s the worst idea ever.
I’m now shedding a few tears and writing this all down knowing how stupid it will probably sound to most people who read it.
I don’t know if this will help me feel any better, or if it’ll help anyone else but I think it’s worth a try. It’s the best way I can think of to let my friends and family know how I really feel without having to explain things I don’t understand.
But hey! It’s not all bad, it could be raining.